Wanna Be Successful?

Victim = Success?

You too can be a successful victim!

If you have any doubts about the power and sanctity that can be yours if victimhood status cand be officially confered upon you; or of the endless moral benefits of being "oppressed", just take a look around at the news headlines today and notice who is being cast as "evil oppressors" or the poor, multicultural downtrodden. 

Not a Victim

In the quasi-religious cult of victimhood that is part of today's leftist dogma, "victimhood" has been identified as the key quality deserving of attention and pity and advancement. This is in part because many on the political left have an intense narcissistic need to see themselves as "champions of the oppressed", hence the constant need to find and maintain an oppressed class of people to champion. But it also dovetails nicely into the the Marxist dialectic that underlies that ideology. 

According to that ideology, the world is conveniently divided up into two groups: the oppressors (i.e., white, male, heterosexual, conservative, Republican, Americans or Israelis) and the oppressed (everyone else).

THE ADVANTAGES OF VICTIMHOOD

This brief guide is for those searching for an expedited pathway into the exalted status of Victimhood. Becoming a victim --as we all have learned from famous TV stars, prominent politicians; religions, races, and even nations--is an advantageous state of being in many ways, several of which are:

• You are not responsible for what happened to you
• You are always morally right
• You are not accountable to anyone for anything
• You are forever entitled to sympathy
• You are always justified in feeling moral indignation for being wronged
• You never have to be responsible again for anything

As you can see, these are some heavy-duty privileges; and they are not given to just anyone. This list is not exclusive. There are many benefits of Victimhood; and in our current society, new rewards are continuously being discovered! You, too, may be someone who blazes a new path for future victims!

The badge of victimhood must be "earned" by one of two methods: 

(1) Membership in a special "victim" class; 

or (2) having something bad actually happen to you. 

Method 1 is definitely is superior in every way since it eliminates the need for something bad to actually happen to you (as long as it once happened to someone like you--you are set); thus this method is preferable and automatically puts all sorts of celebrities and famous people on your side. They will not be concerned if you are a good person or a bad person; just as long as you meet the basic victimhood criteria.

Professional Victims

You are probably tempted to ask what that basic criteria is for most famous people to support you? Here is a tip (keep it under your hat): most famous people--especially undeserving famous people (i.e., people who are famous not for any particular talent they have, but because they might have a good publicist, for example) have an intense need to feel that they are "champions of the oppressed." This relieves them of the pervasive feelings of guilt under which they must function. Hence, all you have to do is to convince them that you are "oppressed" by one of a number of usual "oppressors", and you are home free!

Here is a handy list of possible oppressors that can be used by almost anyone searching for victimhood status:

• caucasian, heterosexual males
• Republicans (either male or female)
• conservatives (either male or female)
• businessmen or women 
• capitalists
• rich people
• Christians (particularly Republican or conservative)
• the U.S. Military (all services)
• Americans (as a general group)

THE BADGE OF VICTIMHOOD

Victimhood is automatically conferred if you are a member of one or more of the following groups:

• An underrepresented race (whoever is in the minority--the majority are barred from victimhood)
• An underrepresented gender (males are prohibited from victimhood)
• An underrepresented sexual orientation (heterosexuals are not allowed to be victims)
• A nation without land (e.g., Palestinians; Note: The Kurds aren't considered victims because they aren't the right kind of victim--they admire the U.S. and aspire to democracy & freedom thus, disqualifying them)
• Any nation the U.S. has a disagreement with
• A person in jail (your crime is immaterial, but the worse the crime, the better)

Other individuals or groups may petition for Victimhood if they meet the following criteria:

• The Liberal Media confers it on them
• You appear on talk shows and spill your guts about some distasteful event that happened to you
• You use drugs or alcohol but get into treatment after you get in trouble
• You find God after you get in trouble
• You are very sorry for your reprehensible behavior or actions and have a reputable person to blame for why you did it (President Bush is always a good choice, but any parental figure --even God-- will do)
• If you are incompetent at your job and unable to get ahead it is generally due to someone else's behavior; or it might be due to Adult Attention Deficit Disorder-- either way works.
• If you haven't achieved your proper level of power in the world (even if you are a dictator, surprisingly) you could be a victim of American foreign policy
• If you have economic problems, it is likely you are a vicitm of Capitalism (remember, that socialism, communism, fascism, and other ideologies are completely off the hook since they proactively blame Capitalism for all the problems of the world)
• If you are addicted to ANYTHING, you are likely to be a victim!
• If your feelings are hurt by someone--either intentionally or unintentionally-- you are a victim (call our toll-free number above if you have any questions, but most Universities have special policies that cover you)
• If you can attract Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Ramsey Clark, or Bianca Jagger to your cause, you are, by definition, a victim! Case closed!

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are lucky enought to already be a member of an approved victim group AND something bad happens to you (e.g., a hurricane or other natural disaster) well, that is, as we say in the biz, the best of all possible worlds (assuming, of course, that you survive the experience). Then you are a victim twice-over, and entitled to what we will refer to as the Platinum Club victimhood membership rewards. 

HOW TO EFFORTLESSLY MAINTAIN YOUR VICTIM STATUS

Here are a few helpful strategies to maintain your prized Victimhood status in spite of all efforts to placate, apologize to; help, or support you.

• Resist Resist Resist taking any responsibility for your own behavior. It can always be made to seem like someone else is at fault
• Have a ready list of other people, nations, religions, groups etc. to blame for your situation and do not accept help from those on your list
• Constantly demand your rights
• Use the medium of Television to tell your story as often as possible; however, any member of the media (print, TV, radio) is usually supportive of your goals and will work with you to best frame your victimhood to elicit optimal sympathy.
• Did I mention that you must NEVER take any responsibility for your own behavior? If I did, it is because it cannot be mentioned too often.
• Play up the victim's position of enhanced moral authority. Weep about your plight whenever possible. Do nothing to make things better.
• Become a spokesperson or a media darling for any of the groups who make up International A.N.S.W.E.R.--or join the Occupy Movement (unfortunately now defunct)
• Make commercials for Moveon.org; or at least let them use your story to explain how oppressive one of the oppressor groups are. (see list of acceptable groups to be victimized by above)

When using any of the above strategy, make sure you ACT like a victim--crying, whining, using anger effectively--all these can enhance other's perception of your Victimhood

NEVER take any steps to improve your situation--that way is the OPPOSITE of true, enlightened Victimhood.

To all those real victims out there, who are struggling to overcome diseases; recover from disasters and events; and move beyond those traumas that have temporarily and painfully interrupted your lives--I heartily salute you and in no way aim to denigrate your efforts. Taking responsibility for your life will empower you and enable you to grow beyond whatever you have experienced. May you always rise above what Life has presented to you and exceed all expectations--even your own.

h/t Dr. Sanity