Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Retrospective 2013

It's good to take stock of the previous year(s) at the end of each year and to plan the way forward.

1. The federal government is broken. During the 3-1/2 years of World War 2 that started with the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor in December 1941 and ended with the Surrender of Germany and Japan in 1945, the U.S. produced 22 aircraft carriers, 8 battleships, 48 cruisers, 349 destroyers, 420 destroyer escorts, 203 submarines, 34 million tons of merchant ships, 100,000 fighter aircraft, 98,000 bombers, 24,000 transport aircraft, 58,000 training aircraft, 93,000 tanks, 257,000 artillery pieces, 105,000 mortars, 3,000,000 machine guns, and 2,500,000 military trucks.

America put 16.1 million men in uniform in the various armed services, invaded Africa, invaded Sicily and Italy, won the battle for the Atlantic, planned and executed D-Day, marched across the Pacific and Europe, developed the atomic bomb and ultimately conquered Japan and Germany.

It's worth noting, that during the almost exact amount of time, given a practically unlimited budget, the Obama administration couldn't build a functioning web site to sell health insurance.

2. My new company is opening it's doors, selling Unmanned Small Aerial Vehicles worldwide. Among other things, they hunt land mines and improvised explosive devices using ground penetrating radar with synthetic aperture antennas. We've pioneered the use of effective very small jet engines (electrically powered turbofans) that eliminate the need for the traditional helicopter blades associated with USAV propulsion. The USAV's look like flying saucers. Those high school math teachers who said that one day it would come in handy turned out to be right.

3. I plan to buy a car this year but am not sure what I'm going to replace the leased BMW 535(M)i with. Do I go expensive and luxurious or conservative and less comfortable? Decisions - decisions. I'd like to buy one of these (above-right), but Earth Roamers don't work for the LA commute.

I'm not suggesting that you wouldn't get a lot of respect - and it would be a comfortable place to go to sleep when traffic is gridlocked for an hour or two. But it's off the table for now (sadly).

Maybe the midlife crisis red Corvette Stingray? And a Harley Davidson. I'd have to grow a beard and then ride to Sturgis this summer. Or take up wing -suit base jumping? (Thus eliminating the need for four wheels)

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Chinese Lunar Defense Zone

Following the successful launch of its first lunar rover, the Chinese government has declared a defensive zone extending vertically from China into space and encompassing the moon. The Lunar Defense Obliteration Zone, according to newly appointed space minister Wu Houyi, “will protect China’s core interests and interplanetary sovereignty.” All foreign spacecraft, satellites, comets and space debris must notify China before passing through or into the zone.

Due to orbital complications, the boundaries of the LDOZ will shift daily in accordance with the position of the moon relative to its sovereign power. China’s Ministry of Space has issued diagrams of the shifting boundaries, dubbed “the lasso.”

Many countries have disputed China’s ability to establish such a zone, but Chinese officials are adamant about the country’s claim to Earth’s only natural satellite. “China’s historical ties to the moon date back at least five thousand years, perhaps more,” said Chen Guang, an official historian from the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences. “We made a whole calendar based on it for Christ’s sake.”

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Dating Guide for Men


First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.


First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 


First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents. Her mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3 karat ring.
Fourth Date: She's pregnant.
5th Anniversary: You already have five children together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You have a mistress.


First Date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second Date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third Date: You don't even get to the third date because you realize that nothing is ever going to happen.


First Date: Meet her parents.
Second Date: Set the wedding date.
Third Date: Wedding night.


First Date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy both she and her girlfriends an expensive dinner.
Third Date: You pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by somebody else.


First Date: You buy an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila and have sex in the back of the car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in.

One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their children, her grandmother, her sister's boyfriend and his three children move in. You subsist on rice and beans for the rest of your  life. Your house that used to be nice now looks like a home along the Tijuana Strip.


First Date: You spend all of your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke. She finds somebody wealthier.


First Date: Mother, father, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and the entire community finds out.
Second Date: You're shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No Third Date

Don't you just love Irish girls?

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Rules of the Road

Five Basic Rules to Live By

1- Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

2- Money can't buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

3- If you help somebody when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4- Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5- Alcohol doesn't solve problems and neither does milk.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Man Down in Aisle 5!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him in Aisle 5.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Every Party Needs a Pooper

What is Jennifer up to?

Her German colleague wants to know.

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