Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Retrospective 2013

It's good to take stock of the previous year(s) at the end of each year and to plan the way forward.

1. The federal government is broken. During the 3-1/2 years of World War 2 that started with the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor in December 1941 and ended with the Surrender of Germany and Japan in 1945, the U.S. produced 22 aircraft carriers, 8 battleships, 48 cruisers, 349 destroyers, 420 destroyer escorts, 203 submarines, 34 million tons of merchant ships, 100,000 fighter aircraft, 98,000 bombers, 24,000 transport aircraft, 58,000 training aircraft, 93,000 tanks, 257,000 artillery pieces, 105,000 mortars, 3,000,000 machine guns, and 2,500,000 military trucks.

America put 16.1 million men in uniform in the various armed services, invaded Africa, invaded Sicily and Italy, won the battle for the Atlantic, planned and executed D-Day, marched across the Pacific and Europe, developed the atomic bomb and ultimately conquered Japan and Germany.

It's worth noting, that during the almost exact amount of time, given a practically unlimited budget, the Obama administration couldn't build a functioning web site to sell health insurance.

2. My new company is opening it's doors, selling Unmanned Small Aerial Vehicles worldwide. Among other things, they hunt land mines and improvised explosive devices using ground penetrating radar with synthetic aperture antennas. We've pioneered the use of effective very small jet engines (electrically powered turbofans) that eliminate the need for the traditional helicopter blades associated with USAV propulsion. The USAV's look like flying saucers. Those high school math teachers who said that one day it would come in handy turned out to be right.

3. I plan to buy a car this year but am not sure what I'm going to replace the leased BMW 535(M)i with. Do I go expensive and luxurious or conservative and less comfortable? Decisions - decisions. I'd like to buy one of these (above-right), but Earth Roamers don't work for the LA commute.

I'm not suggesting that you wouldn't get a lot of respect - and it would be a comfortable place to go to sleep when traffic is gridlocked for an hour or two. But it's off the table for now (sadly).

Maybe the midlife crisis red Corvette Stingray? And a Harley Davidson. I'd have to grow a beard and then ride to Sturgis this summer. Or take up wing -suit base jumping? (Thus eliminating the need for four wheels)





Sunday, December 22, 2013

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Chinese Lunar Defense Zone



Following the successful launch of its first lunar rover, the Chinese government has declared a defensive zone extending vertically from China into space and encompassing the moon. The Lunar Defense Obliteration Zone, according to newly appointed space minister Wu Houyi, “will protect China’s core interests and interplanetary sovereignty.” All foreign spacecraft, satellites, comets and space debris must notify China before passing through or into the zone.

Due to orbital complications, the boundaries of the LDOZ will shift daily in accordance with the position of the moon relative to its sovereign power. China’s Ministry of Space has issued diagrams of the shifting boundaries, dubbed “the lasso.”

Many countries have disputed China’s ability to establish such a zone, but Chinese officials are adamant about the country’s claim to Earth’s only natural satellite. “China’s historical ties to the moon date back at least five thousand years, perhaps more,” said Chen Guang, an official historian from the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences. “We made a whole calendar based on it for Christ’s sake.”

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Dating Guide for Men


ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN:



First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN: 













First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 


ITALIAN WOMEN:












First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents. Her mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3 karat ring.
Fourth Date: She's pregnant.
5th Anniversary: You already have five children together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You have a mistress.


CHINESE WOMEN:














First Date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second Date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third Date: You don't even get to the third date because you realize that nothing is ever going to happen.


INDIAN WOMEN:














First Date: Meet her parents.
Second Date: Set the wedding date.
Third Date: Wedding night.


BLACK WOMEN:














First Date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy both she and her girlfriends an expensive dinner.
Third Date: You pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by somebody else.


MEXICAN WOMEN:














First Date: You buy an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila and have sex in the back of the car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in.

One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their children, her grandmother, her sister's boyfriend and his three children move in. You subsist on rice and beans for the rest of your  life. Your house that used to be nice now looks like a home along the Tijuana Strip.


JEWISH WOMEN:














First Date: You spend all of your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke. She finds somebody wealthier.


ARAB WOMEN:













First Date: Mother, father, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and the entire community finds out.
Second Date: You're shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No Third Date


Don't you just love Irish girls?




Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Rules of the Road

Five Basic Rules to Live By

1- Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

2- Money can't buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

3- If you help somebody when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4- Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5- Alcohol doesn't solve problems and neither does milk.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Man Down in Aisle 5!




A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."



That's him in Aisle 5.
 

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Every Party Needs a Pooper




What is Jennifer up to?

Her German colleague wants to know.






Thursday, November 28, 2013

Car Talk

Have you ever wondered what cars would say if they could talk? 

A Prius boasts to a Bugatti Veyron.



Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Note on the Door

If you've never watched the television series Doctor Who (BBC), you won't get it.


Saturday, November 23, 2013

Cool Products

Idiots ruin everything. I say leave the stuff out there and let the chips fall where they may. The more we impede natural selection, the worse this will get. In a really imperfect world the Darwin Awards would have to be suspended and who wants to see that happen?


LAWN DARTS


Summer Saturdays were never the same once Jarts 
were taken off the market back in 1988. The 
Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) 
banned the sale of the metal-tipped lawn darts after 
numerous head, eye, and ear injuries, especially in 
children. Some companies have skirted the ban 
by selling the metal tips and plastic fins separately. 

BUCKY BALLS/CUBES



For those trying to kill a few hours at work, Buckyballs 
and Buckycubes have been a classic companion (and they're 
great for making sculptures for the refrigerator). If ingested, 
however, the tiny magnet balls will snap together (as magnets 
do), often pinching intestines and requiring surgical removal. 
The ban moved into effect in 2010, but the CPSC is 
currently pursuing a stop-sale order against Maxfield 
& Oberton, since the Bucky products are still being sold.

BEANBAG CHAIRS


Several instances of small children unzipping the bags, 
climbing inside, and inhaling the tiny pellets were 
reported, with life-ending repercussions. Millions of free-
zipping bean bags were immediately taken off the market 
in 1994. As a result of the recall, some manufacturers 
began making double-stitched and double-zippered 
bags, with a safety lock too. 

SLIP 'N SLIDE


Throwing yourself onto a yellow strip of plastic with 
(hopefully) just enough water to keep you slipping and 
sliding along—what could go wrong? 

If you're ever played on a Slip 'N Slide, you probably know 
already: Some people slid off the slide and onto concrete. 
Sometimes people didn't even make it that far, expecting 
a slip and a slide only to stop abruptly, resulting in some 
pretty serious spinal cord injuries. 

WATER ROCKETS


For reasons including unexpected water-tank projections 
and bystander injuries, several water-rocket manufacturers 
such as Hasbro were forced to recall about 230,000 of the 
famed toy in 2004. 

Descending rockets were also known to come back and hit 
people in the head.

But when I was a kid, there was simply NOTHING 
cooler than a water rocket. They are designed to be 
fired into the air but as a young and impressionable boy, 
my friends and I used to fire them at each other and require 
absolute discipline, standing like a statue. A flinch made 
you a coward.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Far Away Galaxy

Halloween has passed, but here are some photos of people who dressed up their dogs as Star Wars characters.











Not a Star Wars dog, but might make the next installment in the franchise with no make-up required (mug shot).

Lovin' life! Free chow in the gray bar hotel.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Love is a Battlefield


Rich Man Buys House Next to Ex-Wife, Erects Giant Middle Finger Outside

by Neetzan Zimmerman
Nov. 15, 2013

A Michigan man has reportedly gone to Internet-ready lengths in order to troll his ex-wife with a daily reminder of his feelings towards her.

According to a person claiming to be the ex-wife's daughter, the crazy-wealthy Bloomfield Hills man, identified only as "Alan," allegedly purchased the house next door to his ex, and proceeded to move in with his new girlfriend Tiffany.

He then went a step further and purchased an expensive bronze statue of a middle finger, which he placed on the back porch and aimed at his ex-wife's house.

As if that weren't quite enough passive aggression, Alan ensured the statue was visible 24/7 by shining a spotlight on it after dark.

"Alan and Tiffany are the best neighbors," tweeted Lenka Tuohy, "but ew who does that lololol."

Apparently the statue has had the unintended effect of pissing Tuohy off as well.

"[I]ts hard for me to enjoy my baths now because my fav tub is in my moms bathroom which faces out towards tif and alans house," she wrote, adding a frowny-face emoticon.

When a friend pointed out that Alan's gesture was making him "look like an idiot," Tuohy concurred: "Like lol someone's not over my momma!"


Monday, November 18, 2013

From the Police Blotter


(Waukesha, Wisconsin Police Department Report)


I'll summarize the link for you.

Benjamin Duddles, 41, of Waukesha, Wisconsin dialed police around 4:20 AM to say that he wanted “a female removed from his bed,” adding that he was not sure “how she got into his apartment.”

When the police arrived, Duddles reported that he had let the woman into his home and she “just went into his bed and fell asleep.” The woman, Duddles complained, (as recounted by the reporting officer, was “now snoring like a train and he wants her out.”

The officers conducted their investigation, and ascertained from Duddles that they “drank together, had relations and she fell asleep.”

After repairing to his living room, Duddles returned to his bedroom and could not roust the snoring woman, “so he called police."

The police officers were able to arouse the woman (not identified by name in the report) and determined that she was both healthy and not in any sort of distress.

The officers advised Duddles that a snoring woman in his bed was not a police matter since he had invited her into his home. Duddles was “provided the comfort of his couch for the evening” and directed to “work out the ‘issue’ in the morning.”





Thursday, November 14, 2013

Dear Diary


I'm not a cat lover. I don't own a cat and a cat doesn't own me. However, if a cat ever had a diary, this is surely the context of its content.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

1000 words


Police mug shots tell a lot about the job that the police do and the job that the criminals do (keeping the police employed). Some time ago there was a mug shot contest at the Anaheim, California Police Department where officers would vote on the best mugshot of the week on any given week and a pool. If you arrested somebody who was selected by acclaim, you'd usually win about twenty dollars. Today, I'm sure that's no longer politically correct.





Thursday, October 31, 2013

I'm Left Behind on Halloween

Four of my grandchildren prepare to haunt the neighborhood in my absence.


No, you're not seeing double. Two brothers both wanted to be Spiderman. The two daughters are a pirate (above) and a parrot (below) because every self-respecting pirate has a parrot.

They will be out harvesting candy with gusto.

I'm hanging out in Hawaii, doing very little beyond being a beachcomber.


Monday, October 28, 2013

Halloween Warm-Up

Are you stuck for ideas for a Halloween costume? Here are some home-made suggestions that utilize items that you may have laying around the house.

And for the kids





Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Monday, October 21, 2013

Passing Time on a Commercial Aircraft

It's interesting to see what people can do with a couple "ass gaskets", some paper towels and imagination.

Nina Katchadourian whiles away long plane journeys by locking herself in the lavatory and pretending to be a 15th century Dutch painting. The project began spontaneously on a flight in March 2010 and is ongoing.

Mind numbing travel can be entertaining when applied the right way.



















Thursday, October 17, 2013

Sisyphus Revisited

Some days I feel like Sisyphus - being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever. The problem with aging is that to some extent, the rose-colored glasses are off and you understand that it's the human condition. 


After the first of the year I'll be commuting through Los Angeles traffic to a job of my own making - to a company that I own in part. I haven't commuted for nearly seven years now, having earned my daily bread in a more bohemian lifestyle. But it's back to the blue suit, white shirt and power tie. Part of me dreads it. Being the boss is nice, but it's not as nice as everyone cracks it up to be. There's something to be said for joy of being an anonymous drone. Alpha males can't manage the slavish mindless drone thing very easily, but that sort of thing does have its own joys. 

The weird part of all this is that I don't really have to do it. I could simply sit on a beach for the rest of my life on an island somewhere and beach comb, gazing up at jet contrails instead of sitting on the jet eating plastic food (back to Sisyphus). I have the means to be that beach bum and live on my life's laurels and money. 

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.


Saturday, September 28, 2013

Three Amigos

Cousins


Toast for breakfast

If you don't have grandchildren (yet), I can assure you that they brighten the day and make raising their parents well worth it.


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