Merry Christmas to All

Chinese Lunar Defense Zone

Following the successful launch of its first lunar rover, the Chinese government has declared a defensive zone extending vertically from China into space and encompassing the moon. The Lunar Defense Obliteration Zone, according to newly appointed space minister Wu Houyi, “will protect China’s core interests and interplanetary sovereignty.” All foreign spacecraft, satellites, comets and space debris must notify China before passing through or into the zone.

Due to orbital complications, the boundaries of the LDOZ will shift daily in accordance with the position of the moon relative to its sovereign power. China’s Ministry of Space has issued diagrams of the shifting boundaries, dubbed “the lasso.”

Many countries have disputed China’s ability to establish such a zone, but Chinese officials are adamant about the country’s claim to Earth’s only natural satellite. “China’s historical ties to the moon date back at least five thousand years, perhaps more,” said Chen Guang, an official historian from the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences. “We made a whole calendar based on it for Christ’s sake.”

Dating Guide for Men

ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN: 

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents. Her mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3 karat ring.

Fourth Date: She's pregnant.

5th Anniversary: You already have five children together and hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You have a mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second Date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third Date: You don't even get to the third date because you realize that nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First Date: Meet her parents.

Second Date: Set the wedding date.

Third Date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy both she and her girlfriends an expensive dinner.

Third Date: You pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by somebody else.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila and have sex in the back of the car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in.

One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their children, her grandmother, her sister's boyfriend and his three children move in. You subsist on rice and beans for the rest of your  life. Your house that used to be nice now looks like a home along the Tijuana Strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You spend all of your money to impress her.

Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.

Third Date: You're broke. She finds somebody wealthier.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, father, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends and the entire community finds out.

Second Date: You're shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.

No Third Date

Don't you just love Irish girls?

Rules of the Road

Five Basic Rules to Live By

1- Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

2- Money can't buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

3- If you help somebody when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4- Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5- Alcohol doesn't solve problems and neither does milk.

Man Down in Aisle 5!

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."



That's him in Aisle 5.

 

Every Party Needs a Pooper

What is Jennifer up to?

Her German colleague wants to know.

Car Talk

Have you ever wondered what cars would say if they could talk? 

A Prius boasts to a Bugatti Veyron.