Sunday, February 24, 2013

Medical Advice

Traditional Asian Medicine may be the way to go. Part of me feels as though it's quackery, however, 1.5 billion Chinese can't be wrong (all of the time). Can they?

In this recently published paper on wellness, Dr. Desmond Zhang, MD offered his opinions on how to live a longer, happier and more productive life:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good! 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure? 
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? 
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape! Life should NOT be journey to grave with intention of arriving safely in attractive and well-preserved body. Worm don't care.


Keeping things in balance, there are a lot of nutritional studies that one must consider in light of Dr. Zhang's startling revelations.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

The only logical conclusion is that you can eat and drink what you please because speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Opus #6 said...

No speeka dee Eengleesh.

Azra said...

LOL! I love Dr. Desmond Zhang's professional opinion. I shall try to adhere to it (as well as learn a foreign language and adopt it as my mother tongue).

LL said...

Azra - I thought you might appreciate the beneficial effects of eating chocolate. It's free advice.

Opus#6 - You just speak the language of love - so that might carry you through to a very old age.

darlin said...

Oh no, back to University, I need to take up a few different languages...and here I thought the turtle tattoo which symbolized longevity was going to see me through to old age! What was I thinking?

I love the great Dr. Zhang advice, cracked me up. Oh no, cracking not good for me.

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