Tuesday, March 10, 2009

WalMart Family Games

I don't know if any of the people who drift past my blog ever visit WalMart. If you do go and more particularly if you go as a family, this is a contest you might want to use to enrich your shopping experience. Participants get a point for each of these they spot:

"Rat Tail" hair style       
Rebel Flag t-shirt (does not apply to those living in the South) 
Dirty Diaper left in parking lot (or shopping cart)
Chid over 5 years of age drinking from a baby bottle
Someone giving away kittens
Woman with hair curlers
Someone with an eye patch
Obese Person using a Scooter
White girl with three or more multi-racial children under age 4
Someone buying beer and diapers (only)
Unattended child/children crying
Someone using an oxygen tank
Frozen food left to thaw in a random aisle
Teardrop Tattoo
Bearded Woman
Pregnant Woman with visible "Tramp Stamp" Tattoo
Man under 30 without any teeth
Entire family wearing NASCAR apparel.

I have other WalMart games that I play that I don't recommend for the faint of heart:

(1) The Stalker - some women show up at WalMart dressed to the nines. Hooker clothes, spike heels, full make-up, hoochie hair.  I have no idea why a woman would show up at WalMart looking like that. They obviously are crying out for attention. I oblige in my own humble way: I push my shopping cart around behind them and smile. They become nervous - sometimes they become verbally aggressive. I smile.  It's really a lot of fun.

(2) The Mad Dog - gang members frequent WalMart. I'm not sure why, but they do.  Frequently I'm accused of "looking at them". I bring sunglasses with me and put them on when that happens and am now looking at them from behind the shades. It's the standard "Scary Larry" look, perfected over years of patient practice. The gang members get very agitated. I can draw fire and re-holster before they can get a round off (relax, I'm a professional). 

Often I do this in the presence of witnesses (my children) to the extent that they're no longer all that comfortable going into WalMart with me. The one they seem to hate the most is when I do "the Elephant". (not described here)  I'm not fond of WalMart but have found a way to make my shopping experience more enjoyable at America's largest retailer.

Opus#6 might want to loan me her boys to provide them WalMart shopping training...
Baby Griffin will become an expert at this as he grows up.


Devin and Kelly said...

hahah! dad the funny thing is you really do this. like no joke! lol and the elephant is quite funny!

WoFat said...

Our Lady of WalMart is annoying but indispensable, here in the outposts of empire.

LL said...

The elephant is my favorite but some people might be offended by my antics, so I left it off the list.

One of my favorite stories of Amanda when she was little: We were in a grocery store at the check out stand. I held Amanda in my arms. A filthy male IV drug user with prison tattoos up and down both arms stood in front of us in line paying with food stamps for candy and cash for wine and beer.

Little Amanda asked, "Daddy, is that a dirtbag?"

The dirtbag looked at us. I said, "Yes, sweetheart, that's a dirtbag."

The dirtbag tried to mad-dog me but I set Amanda down and he scuttled off to whatever sewer he crawled from in the first place.

Opus #6 said...

I gotta hear about the elephant.

LL said...

I literally have to "show" how the elephant is done because of the sound (an effective imitation of an elephant's trumpet) and the physical movements that are incorporated into it.

The kids will back me up on this.

There are rules of engagement:

The Elephant is only engaged when a person (usually female) is sighted, exceeding 400 lbs - not hard to find at WalMart, must be wearing a mu-mu, munching down a Big Mac and a shake - or two Big Macs - one in each fist purchased on the premisis.

Additional rules. The offending person must be actively shopping and getting the secret sauce all over items in the store, leaving a trail of lettuce and bun crumbs in their wake.

The Elephant is essentially a mating call... (in jest).

LL said...

Final note on "The Elephant". It's been my experience that the subjects of "The Elephant" are so intent on eating the Big Macs or Quarter Pounder with Cheese that they don't hear the trumpet. Sometimes there will be four or five Big Mac's in the child seat in the cart. More often than not there will be filthy children still in pajamas in the wake of the elephant.

The Fien Family said...

Gotta love you dad! I don't remember the grocery store experience but I'm glad I do now...so funny!

LL said...

Amanda, you were about four years old when you successfully identified the "dirtbag". (It was at the Stater Brothers market on Border)

Your senses were honed at a young age. I suspect that you simply watched me while I drove and cussed out the addicts and burglars I saw while driving around. Being the keen observer of human conduct that you are, it didn't take you long to identify a "dirtbag" without any assistance from me.

Devin and Kelly said...

haha i love amandas story when she was little how freakin funny!

Anonymous said...

Forget the spider or snake. Looks like Griffin can have plenty of fun just hanging out with you at WalMart. B.F.

Anonymous said...

Also, the funny thing about your checklist is that it is so true. I could go there right now and easily probably get 75% of them without even trying. B.F.

darlin said...

LOL I love your WalMart games, especially "Stalker" and now I will have to copy your list, with permission naturally, and venture out to WalMart, I will see how many I can score! Canada, well Edmonton WalMart's are a tad bit tamer from the sounds of it but I'll see what I can some up with! One item there I will not see, beer is not sold at WalMart in Canada... yet!

I also cracked right up at "dirtbag" good girl Amanda! LL you are a mighty fine father!

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